lagi lawak,,,,,,

Lagi ceta lawak,,,,


Pedang kecil.

Satu cerita aku pada form 1, di sebuah sekolah menengah untuk mereka-mereka yang keputusan UPSR tak bagus, (dan aku salah seorang darinya..oh..) di sebuah kelas conner lot.Kelihatan seorang guru sedang membaca buku teks dengan suara yg lantang di hadapan murid-murid yang khusuk mendengar.
Guru itu membaca sepatah-sepatah perkataan dan bagaikan mendayu2 suaranya.
Aku yg mengambil posisi di belakang sekali mengalami kebosanan. Aku juga diancam mengantuk ditahap maksima dan untuk mengelakkan aku jatuh tidur, aku me'lombong'..
Supian (macam nama sebenar) juga dalam posisi boring giler. Dengan tangan menongkat dagu, matanya memandang pada belakang Fatimah (bukan nama sebenar).
Sesekali kelihatan air liurnya meleleh. Aku yang disebelahnya menahan ketawa bila melihat dia terkejut kambing kerana air liurnya jatuh ke permukaan meja.
"Kau nak tengok 'pedang' kecil tak?" bisik aku perlahan ke telinganya.. "mana?" tanya dia, nampaknya seakan berminat.Lalu aku meletakkan 'pedang kecil' di hujung jarinya. Dia seperti kagum dan mendekatkan 'pedang kecil' itu ke matanya.
Dia menilik berkali-kali, sesekali menggetel 'pedang kecil' itu..'Pedang kecil' itu bersaiz 8 mm panjang dan berdiameter 1mm lebih kurang.."Pedang…?" dia bertanya sambil berbisik dan matanya di bulat-bulatkan sebesar2nya seraya mendekatkan lagi 'pedang kecil' itu ke matanya..

Tiba2 dia menjerit dengan kuat!!! INI TAHI HIDUNG!!!!! Aku terkejut, dia terkejut, Fátimah yang didepannya pun turut terkejut, cikgu lagi terkejut, seluruh kelas pun turut terkejut!"Supian... kenapa kamu menjerit 'tahi hidung' tadi?" Tanya cikgu..

Cikgu suruh dia cerita..dia cakap takde apa2…Aku menahan ketawa..sampai meleleh air mata dipipiku..lawak..sungguh lawak… dan si supian ni tak cerita kerana cover malu..ha ha ha!Supian, kiranya kau terbaca email ini..aku nak mintak maaf sangat2..Aku dah mintak maaf kat engkau dulu..la ni aku nak mintak maaf lagi…Maafkan aku kawanMaafkan aku wahai makhluk tuhan(moral: bila korang gentel tahi hidung, ianya terbentuk seakan2 sebilah pedang)

Nama-nama

Pandai tanam bunga, diberikan nama -Rosman.
Pand ai membaiki kereta, namakan -Karman
Avera ge dalam golf - Parman
Pandai dlm penulisan - Suratman
Gagah perkasa - Suparman
Boleh mendengar sambil berjalan -Wakiman
Sela lu bertanya - Azman (loghat jawa bunyi Asman)
Pandai buat kuih - Paiman
Pakar jualan - Salman
Pakar pasal alam sekitar - JASman (Jab. Alam Sekitar)
Pandai melukis, tulis sajak, nyanyi lagu - Saniman
Doktor gigi - Sugiman
Supaya cepat naik pangkat - Yasman
Bakal kaki pukul dan dera orang -Deraman
Yang ada darah Bengali - Manbai
Pandai organise skim cepat kaya -Pakman (Te' Lo)
Mat rock - Rokman
Jadi polis trafik - Saman
Pakar kunci - Lokman
Baik budi pekerti - Budiman
Ada lagi... .. Buat kerja ala kadar - A. Kadarisman
Suka bagi orang susah - Sukarman
Suka mengada-ngada - Ngadiman
Dua alam - Herman
Paling tak guna - Koman
Selalu sakit - Deman
Kalau yang kuat berlawan - Ultraman
Yg suka main daun terup poker -Pokemon

Menghibur hati

Entah, mengapa minggu ni merupakan minggu yang agak tegang bagi ku,,,,,,,marah, tension,,,,ah macam2......memang aku jarang marah,,,tapi kalau dah terlampau,,, aku naik darah,,,,apa tak naik darah,,,,,minggu lepas tanya sama anak buah,,,,,nak cuti,,,,,semua kata tak nak,,,,,jadi no problem la tentang manning, tapi tiba2,,,,waktu dah nak mula kerja ,,minggu ni,,,ada lak main call aja yang nak cuti,,,,yg kita buat marah tu cuti pasal jumpa girl,,,,,,ingat apa kaaa.....request dan borang cuti x ada la tuuu,,,,,,hai meletup laaa aku,,,,dah la orang tak ada.

Nak tenangkan cikit aku baca cerita lawak,,,,,,,ni aku paste.....



Perompak & perogol.

Seorang Perompak telah mengatur janji untuk bertemu dengan Perogol.Tapi ia terlambat 2 jam dari waktu yang telah dipersetujui, sehingga Perogol marah benar kepadanya.Kemana kamu pergi? hardik Perogol, Sudah 2 jam saya menunggu.Saya mengaku salah, kata Perompak. Masalahnya lif yang saya naiki rosak. Dan tahukah tuan Perogol, selama lif diperbaiki saya terpaksa berdiri selama 2 jam.Perogol menumbuk meja dengan marahnya. Tolol...! teriaknya. Jadi maknanya, kamu berdiri menunggu lif itu diperbaiki selama 2 jam?
Betul , tuan Perogol.
Tolol dan begong !! teriak Perogol lagi lebih keras. Mengapa kamu tidak duduk saja??



Penipu besar.

dalam sebuah kampung nih...tinggal la 1 famili yg terdiri drpd si anak, ayah dan ibu...si anak dan ayah sangat suke menipu..boleh kate tiap2 hari diorg kelentong penduduk2 kampung...sbbkan itu, penduduk kampung x percaya kan diorg lagi...nak dijadikan citer, suatu hari tu...si ibu jatuh sakit..si anak dan ayah cuba kasi taw penduduk kampung, tp x de sutir org pon percaya...diorg pun fed up campur sedih....lps tu si ibu pun mati...si ayah dan anak masing2 merasa bersalah atas kematian isteri @ ibu yang tercinta....so diorg wat keputusan nak berubah..x moh menipu lagi..
suatu hari tu, mase kat tepi sungai......
ayah: kite kena berubah...biar org percaya lagi kat kite..
anak : btul tu..
ayah : aish...boring la pulak...apekate kite main selam2 nak??? sape leh selam dlm sungai paling lama die dikira pemenang...
anak : woookey..bereh
lalu, si ayah pun terjun dlm air..si anak tunggu kat tepi tebing...10 minit berlalu......20 minit berlalu.....30 minit berlalu....si ayah masih x timbul2...si anak mula bimbang...plurp...si ayah pon timbul....
anak : apsal lama sangat menyelam tadi????
ayah : ehehehe...sorry la ek..td mase tgh menyelam..ayah jumpa kawan baik ayah..pastu die ajak ayah minum kopi kat warung...sbb tu lama tadi..( kelentong si ayah)

kini, giliran si anak lak menyelam.....x sampai 1 minit, si anak timbul...berserta kepalanya yg berdarah....

ayah : aik....cepat nya timbul...haaaaa, apsal kepala berdarah tu????
anak : ni sume ayah punya pasal la...len kali , kalu nak gi warung tuh, bawak la duit....x pasal2 saya lak kena tibai kat kepala pasal ayah x bayar hutang kopi td...adoiiiiiii

Gong Xi Fa Chai

Hari ni, baru dapat update blog.Tak kisah la, update atau tak sama saja, yang akan membacanya cuma ,,,,,aku rasa,,,,,cuma aku,,,,hehehe nak tergelak.
Hari ni dah masuk hari yang ke enam aku kerja berterusan, ganti kawan, 2 minggu kebelakangan ni terasa aku terlalu menyibukkan diri, terlalu banyak aktiviti yang dilakukan, daripada RCA, ke training , juga assessment. Itulah nak kejar KPI.....mungkin untuk yang belum bekerja belum tau lagi apa itu KPI, tapi kalau dah bekerja, saat2 dipenghujung tahun kewangan ni la kita kena perkemaskan atau perbaiki KPI. Buruk KPI habislaaa,,,,kuranglaa kenaikan gaji, yg bestnya kalau KPI pada tahap cemerlang, mak oiiii,,,,dapat "merit",,,,,,merit pula bukan main,,,,,kurang2 4 bulan gaji,,,,kan best kalau dapat KPI yang cemerlang,.
Kalau dulu waktu belajar,,,,kita ingat nak score untuk diri sendiri saja, bukan untuk U atau sekolah, tapi sekarang,,,kita kerja untuk semua, maksudnya untuk syarikat dan juga untuk diri sendiri.Maju dan mujurnya tempat kita bekerja bergantung kepada pekerjanya. Jadi kalau tempat bekerja tak maju, macamana nak dapat gaji yang menarik, oleh itu pekerja kena berusaha untuk majikan dan diri sendiri.
Bulan ni turn kawan aku yang dua orang ni cuti,,,,,aku tak taulaaa kenapa dia cuti, nak cakap calabrate tahun baru cina tak juga,,,,dia orang Melayu, lain la kawan aku yg sorang lagi tu, walaupun dia org Kadazan tapi dia masuk Cina,,,,,,hehehehe. Tapi tak apa,,,,akupun pandai juga nak bercuti,,,,,hujung bulan ni,,,,,haaaa rasa 2 minggu aku cuti,,,,,,baru kamu tau,,,,,cover aku la kamu,,,,,,hand set????,,,,,aku off,,,,,,sorry,,,,aku tak ikut meeting atau apa saja aktiviti yang lain.

Untuk Rakan dari kaun Tiong Hwa, kita ucapkan Gong Xi Fa Chai,,,,,,,,,,harap2 ini taun semua ada onk,,,,hehe.

Bowls,,,,How to play

Games

Bowls is usually played on a large, rectangular, precisely leveled and manicured grass or synthetic surface known as a bowling green which is divided into parallel playing strips called rinks. An indoor variation on carpet is also played. In the simplest competition, singles, one of the two opponents flips a coin to see who wins the "mat" and begins a segment of the competition (in bowling parlance, an "end"), by placing the mat and rolling the jack to the other end of the green to serve as a target. Once it has come to rest, the jack is aligned to the center of the rink and the players take turns to roll their bowls from the mat towards the jack and thereby build up the "head". A bowl is allowed to curve outside the rink boundary on its path, but must come to rest within the rink boundary to remain in play. Bowls reaching the ditch are dead and removed from play, except in the event when one has "touched" the jack on its way. "Touchers" are marked with chalk and remain alive in play even though they are in the ditch. Similarly if the jack is knocked into the ditch it is still alive unless it is out of bounds to the side resulting in a "dead" end which is replayed though according to international rules the jack is "respotted" to the center of the rink and the end is continued. After each competitor has delivered all of their bowls (four each in singles), the distance of the closest bowls to the jack is determined (the jack may have been displaced) and points, called "shots", are awarded for each bowl which a competitor has closer than the opponent's nearest to the jack. For instance, if a competitor has bowled two bowls closer to the jack than their competitor's nearest, they are awarded two shots. The exercise is then repeated for the next end, a game of bowls typically being of twenty one ends.

Scoring

Scoring systems vary from competition to competition, with some being the first to a specified number of points, say 21, or the highest scorer after say, 21 ends. Some competitions use a "set" scoring system, with the first to seven points awarded a set in a best-of-five set match. As well as singles competition, there can be pairs, triples and four-player teams. In these, teams take turns to bowl, with each player within a team bowling all their bowls, then handing over to the next player. The team captain or "skip" always plays last and is instrumental in directing his team's shots and tactics.
The current way of scoring in the professional tour is again sets. Each set consists of 7 ends (9 ends in a final), the player with the most shots at the end of a set is awarded the set, if the score is tied the set would be halfed. 2 sets are played. If the score is 1 set each then 3 tie breaker ends are played to determine a winner.

Bias of bowls

Bowls are designed to travel a curved path, referred to as bias, and was originally produced by inserting weights to one side of the bowl. This is no longer permitted by the rules and bias is now produced entirely by the shape of the bowl. A bowler can recognize the bias direction of the bowl in his hand by a dimple or symbol on one side. Regulations determine the minimum bias allowed, and the range of diameters (11.6 to 13.1 cm), but within these rules bowlers can and do choose bowls to suit their own preference. They were originally made from lignum vitae, a dense wood giving rise to the term "woods" for bowls, but are now more typically made of a hard plastic composite material.
Bowls were once only available in black or brown but they are now available in a variety of colours including a range of fluorescent colours. They have unique symbol markings engraved on them for identification. Since many bowls look the same, coloured, adhesive stickers or labels are also used to mark the bowls of each team in bowls matches. Some local associations agree specific colours for stickers for each of the clubs in their area. Provincial or national colors are often assigned in national and international competitions. These stickers are used by officials to distinguish teams.
Bowls have symbols unique to the set of four for identification. The side of the bowl with a larger symbol within a circle indicates the side away from the bias. That side with a smaller symbol within a smaller circle is the bias side toward which the bowl will turn. It is not uncommon for players to deliver a "wrong bias" shot from time to time and see their carefully aimed bowl crossing neighbouring rinks rather than heading towards their jack.
When bowling there are several types of delivery. "Draw" shots are those where the bowl is rolled to a specific location without causing too much disturbance of bowls already in the head. For a right-handed bowler, "forehand draw" is initially aimed to the right of the jack, and curves in to the left. The same bowler can deliver a "backhand draw" by turning the bowl over in his hand and curving it the opposite way, from left to right. In both cases, the bowl is rolled as close to the jack as possible, unless tactics demand otherwise. A "drive" or "fire" involves bowling with force with the aim of knocking either the jack or a specific bowl out of play - and with the drive's speed, there is virtually no noticeable (or, at least, much less) curve on the shot. An "upshot" or "yard on" shot involves delivering the bowl with an extra degree of weight (often referred to as "controlled" weight), enough to displace the jack or disturb other bowls in the head without killing the end. The challenge in all these shots is to be able to adjust line and length accordingly, the faster the delivery, the narrower the line or "green".


Variations of play

Particularly in team competition there can be a large number of bowls on the green towards the conclusion of the end, and this gives rise to complex tactics. Teams "holding shot" with the closest bowl will often make their subsequent shots not with the goal of placing the bowl near the jack, but in positions to make it difficult for opponents to get their bowls into the head, or to places where the jack might be deflected to if the opponent attempts to disturb the head.

There are many different ways to set up the game. Crown Bowling utilises the entire green (usually 8 rinks across by 8 rinks wide). The "crown" is a very slight mound in the middle of the green. This is a slightly less organised form of play, because the jack may be thrown anywhere on the green.
Australian Pairs is another variation on Bowls. It allows both people on a team to play Skip and Lead. The lead throws two bowls, the skip throws four, then the lead throws the remaining two. Each end, the leads and skips switch positions. In Australia, this is called Canadian Pairs.
Blind or Unsighted Bowls was originally started as a way to level the playing field for blind bowlers. It is now used even by clubs without blind bowlers as a new and fun variation.
Another variation in play is Backwards Bowls. This can be played by Singles, or teams. The structure of the game is changed, because the bowls are thrown before the jack. This allows for a new kind of strategy in the game. Teams of singles try to get each bowl close to their opponent's to avoid clusters of opposing bowls.

That all about bowls...........Happy Bowls.

What is "Lawn Bowls"

Bowls (also known as Lawn Bowls or Lawn Bowling) is a precision sport in which the goal is to roll slightly radially asymmetrical balls (called bowls) closer to a smaller white ball (the "jack" or "kitty" or "sweetie") than one's opponent is able to do.
Bowls is related to bocce and ptanque. This game is most popular in Australia, Canada, New Zealand, the United Kingdom, and in other Commonwealth nations.

History

It has been traced certainly to the 13th, and conjecturally to the 12th century. William Fitzstephen (d. about 1190), in his biography of Thomas Becket, gives a graphic sketch of the London of his day and, writing of the summer amusements of the young men, says that on holidays they were "exercised in Leaping, Shooting, Wrestling, Casting of Stones [in jactu lapidum], and Throwing of Javelins fitted with Loops for the Purpose, which they strive to fling before the Mark; they also use Bucklers, like fighting Men." It is commonly supposed that by jactus lapidum Fitzstephen meant the game of bowls, but though it is possible that round stones may sometimes have been employed in an early variety of the game - and there is a record of iron bowls being used, though at a much later date, on festive occasions at Nairn, - nevertheless the inference seems unwarranted. The jactus lapidum of which he speaks was probably more akin to the modern "putting the weight," once even called "putting the stone." It is beyond dispute, however, that the game, at any rate in a rudimentary form, was played in the 13th century. A MS. of that period in the royal library, Windsor (No. 20, E iv.), contains a drawing representing two players aiming at a small cone instead of an earthenware ball or jack.
Another MS. of the same century has a picture - crude, but spirited - which brings us into close touch with the existing game. Three figures are introduced and a jack. The first player's bowl has come to rest just in front of the jack; the second has delivered his bowl and is following after it with one of those eccentric contortions still not unusual on modern greens, the first player meanwhile making a repressive gesture with his hand, as if to urge the bowl to stop short of his own; the third player is depicted as in the act of delivering his bowl. A 14th century MS. Book of Prayers in the Francis Douce collection in the Bodleian library at Oxford contains a drawing in which two persons are shown, but they bowl to no mark. Strutt (Sports and Pastimes) suggests that the first player's bowl may have been regarded by the second player as a species of jack; but in that case it is not clear what was the first player's target. In these three earliest illustrations of the pastime it is worth noting that each player has one bowl only, and that the attitude in delivering it was as various five or six hundred years ago as it is to-day. In the third he stands almost upright; in the first he kneels; in the second he stoops, halfway between the upright and the kneeling position.
As the game grew in popularity it came under the ban of king and parliament, both fearing it might jeopardize the practice of archery, then so important in battle; and statutes forbidding it and other sports were enacted in the reigns of Edward III, Richard II and other monarchs. Even when, on the invention of gunpowder and firearms, the bow had fallen into disuse as a weapon of war, the prohibition was continued. The discredit attaching to bowling alleys, first established in London in 1455, probably encouraged subsequent repressive legislation, for many of the alleys were connected with taverns frequented by the dissolute and gamesters. The word "bowls" occurs for the first time in the statute of 1511 in which Henry VIII confirmed previous enactments against unlawful games. By a further act of 1541 - which was not repealed until 1845 - artificers, labourers, apprentices, servants and the like were forbidden to play bowls at any time save Christmas, and then only in their master's house and presence. It was further enjoined that any one playing bowls outside of his own garden or orchard was liable to a penalty of 6s. 8d., while those possessed of lands of the yearly value of £100 might obtain licenses to play on their own private greens.

Next,,,,how to play lawn bowls.

Cerita Tentang Emas

Factors influencing the gold price
Today, like all investments and commodities, the price of gold is ultimately driven by supply and demand, including hoarding and disposal. Unlike most other commodities, the hoarding and disposal plays a much bigger role in affecting the price, because most of the gold ever mined still exists and is potentially able to come on to the market for the right price. Given the huge quantity of hoarded gold, compared to the annual production, the price of gold is mainly affected by changes in sentiment, rather than changes in annual production.
According to the World Gold Council, annual mine production of gold over the last few years has been close to 2,500 tonnes. About 3,000 tonnes goes into jewelry or industrial/dental production, and around 500 tonnes goes to retail investors and exchange traded gold funds. This translates to an annual demand for gold to be 1000 tonnes in excess over mine production which has come from central bank sales and other disposal.
Central banks and the International Monetary Fund play an important role in the gold price. At the end of 2004 central banks and official organizations held 19 percent of all above-ground gold as official gold reserve. The Washington Agreement on Gold (WAG), which dates from September 1999, limits gold sales by its members (Europe, United States, Japan, Australia, Bank for International Settlements and the International Monetary Fund) to less than 400 tonnes a year. European central banks, such as the Bank of England and Swiss National Bank, have been key sellers of gold over this period
Although central banks do not generally announce gold purchases in advance, some, such as Russia, have expressed interest in growing their gold reserves again as of late 2005. In early 2006, China, which only holds 1.3% of its reserves in gold, announced that it was looking for ways to improve the returns on its official reserves. Many bulls hope that this signals that China might reposition more of its holdings into gold in line with other Central Banks.
In general, gold becomes more desirable in times of:
Bank failures
When dollars were fully convertible into gold, both were regarded as money. However, most people preferred to carry around paper Banknotes rather than the somewhat heavier and less divisible gold coins. If people feared their bank would fail, a bank might have been the result.
Low or negative real interest rates
If the return on bonds, equities and real estate is not adequately compensating for risk and inflation then the demand for gold and other alternative investments such as commodities increases.
War, invasion, looting, crisis
In times of national crisis, people fear that their assets may be seized and that the currency may become worthless. They see gold as a solid asset which will always buy food or transportation. Thus in times of great uncertainty, particularly when war is feared, the demand for gold rises

Lawn bowls

Semalam, kita melapangkan masa berjanji dengan rakan2 untuk melepas tension. Adalah progrem bermain boling padang, masa dijanjikan jam 4 ptg, tapi masalahnya,,,jam 5 baru 2 orang yang datang, janji yang nak bermain adalah dalam 9 orang, tapi last2 datang 3 orang. Frust juga, tapi apa boleh buat, nampak sangat yang tak menunaikan janji ni tak berminat. Tapi tak apa, kita teruskan usaha untuk memajukan sukan ini di daerah kita. Menyentuh tentang sukan ni, memang sukan ni kalau sekali pandang , orang akan mengkerogerikan sukan untuk orang tua, tapi masa telah berubah, siapa-siapa pun boleh menceburinya, macam sukan lain juga, walaupun nampak tak banyak menggunakan tenaga, tapi kalau dah bermain, berpeluh juga. Sukan ni perlukan kepakaran, strategi dan kesabaran. Itulah kelebihan sukan lawn bowl. Mengajar kita erti kesabaran, mengajar kita membuat strategi dan mengajar kita erti berusaha. Kalau tac caya,,,,,,ayuh mencuba,,,,,,sekali bermain, terus nak lagi.